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Oh, hun, I can't imagine what you are living with. My "woe is me", "everything is about me" sister has no income, and was left without a home when my late Mother's condo sold. She had moved here, to live rent-free as my Mother's caregiver, during the last year of her life. She asked if she could move in with me, and at 1st I said Yes. Then, I had to renege on the offer - as we both would have driven each other insane, together in such a small space. I find her difficult to take, under any circumstances, and in small doses - would have become homicidal if she was actually living with me. My heart aches for you. This has to be paying its toll on all parts of your life, and it is difficult not to constantly feel drained. Since I don't now the circumstances of why your Mom is living with you, there is not much I can offer other than understanding of the difficult situation you find yourself in - and an admonishment to Put Yourself First, by taking extra special care of your emotional and physical well-being. Maybe you deserve a bit more pampering than usual - massages, etc.? Don't fall into her trap ! You will have to be extremely strong to stay positive in such an environment - but you sound like a strong woman who is not going to let it bring you down. Counselling woud be a big help - if it is an option for you. And I'm glad you felt better putting this out there on your blog. You will often find many people in the "been there, done that" camp, who can offer good advice. I hope you are able to find some measure of peace - while you find suitable options to get your Mother out of your hair and into her own place (whatever that might be). Check out my profile or and become a "watcher" of my blog FMAOPLS,to learn more about me, and for intelligent, lively, smartassy and fun discussion, with a little irreverence thrown in. "Like" or comment on my photos, and I promise I'll add more. Thanks.
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First let me say it's admirable that you are giving so much of yourself, not to mention your sanity. Many wouldn't give it a second thought. I don't do well around negative people. My ex wife really turned into a hyper negative person. While the process I took, ultimately and obviously wasn't a great one for a marriage.  Maybe some of it will help you. Try and make a game out of looking for every negative thing she says...Then find a positive to counter it with. She says, well looks like another gloomy ass day. You come back with..yeah, but at least it's not gonna be hot today...Lots of shade. She says, I'm so tired of all this crap, it's just exhausting..you say, well you should go take a nap, bet it makes you feel better...(this one also gets her to go to sleep and gives you some you time) You really have to find a way to get some me time. If it's reading, watching a show. Something that discourages conversation. Then whenever she gets into the "whoa is me spiel" you say..that's horrible..Hey, I'm gonna go read for a bit. I know its hard, but you have to find a way to tune it out. Just not let it get to you...oh, that's just mom being mom. It's the hardest part, but it sounds like you already do that to some extent. In the end, there really is no quick fix all . Maybe the positive vs negative will slowly change her, but she's probably pretty set in her ways. I will say again, it's admirable that you stick it out. Considering the reasons you have for not asking her to leave. I had it easy compared to you..I just ended up divorcing my ex wife..She'll always be the only mother you have. Good luck, and great thoughts for your sanity.  " I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx
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You are an angel doing what you are doing for your mom. I am dealing with my aging parents (94 & 91) and looking into hospice care and a new facility for them. It's draining... My dad lost 20 pounds in 5 weeks and is only 115 pounds!! They both have dementia and my dad is deteriorating faster than my mom. It's heartbreaking. Good luck to you and ask for support if you can! Rachel Mae
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Ok... That's a seriously challenging position you're in - as if you didn't know. Here's the thing - there is NO answer to your predicament... none. I have, and continue to, live with poisonous people who (deep down I care for and love), but they make it almost impossible for me to love them. I have learned to bite my tongue. No matter what I say to them, I will loose. There is no way to reason with them. So, I practice patience. And that's all I can do. That's all I do. I don't let what they say get to me. It's a challenge for sure. I know that one day, they will be gone, and I will only remeber them for the good they might have brought to my life. If you believe in a diety, then you should figure that the points you are earning by keeping quiet will reward you with a room with air conditioning... at the very least. And at worst.. You should be really good (by now), at meditation and controlling your emotions. It's a test someone with a perverse sense of humor has devised for you. Breath.... Inhale.... Exhale.. And ignore. I think about happy thoughts while they rant and I try to change the topic by asking silly, non relevant questions to take them off their topic. Sometimes it works.... That's all I have.. Yep. That's all I have. I understand what you are going through. ... is there another way to look at it Going Too Fucking Far NEW Blog Features RevealeD O O A Foolproof Method Posted Over on that NEW site O O
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You are not alone and you will always be able to come here for support from the blogger community. I know exactly what you are going through. Find small amounts of time for you. Even if its 10 minutes to read a book, have a coffee, that kind of thing. When you are most down, stick it in a blog, even if you delete it and don't post, getting out of your head and on to the page really helps. Is there anyway you can widen her circle of friends to give you the occasional night off? There are times when I just want to run away, but as you say, its not an option. We'll listen and not judge. Big hugs.
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Best wishes for you and your mom.
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Good Luck with your journey. Do you have a private shelter in your home that you can get away and just let it out every so often. My Parents were so nurturing and always helpful. But as we all get older or like my brother had "issues" a variety of things come up He is combative and I was told by his girlfriend to come and get him Hopefully your Mother is not mad at herself and the world like my brother is
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It's one of the hardest things to do... care for an aging or infirm family member. Adding mental illness only makes it harder. Unfortunately your self care is compromised. You've gotten great advice here already, I can't add anything more than just keep pushing through the negative and lean on those who care for you as much as you need to!
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Que tortura......... I used to clash with my mum, for decades, but I was fortunate in that I could take myself out of the situation, and dip back in whenever the need or desire arose. I can't imagine ever having to share my house with my mum, even now, though she is so old and frail these days that, to be honest, every minute I spend with her these days is a bonus. Is there any way you can give yourself a break, get some respite? Come to Scotland for a holiday for example??   It must be hellish for you, having the life sucked out of things little by little. And as the closest person, it kinda makes you the automatic target.........If there's anything Anything you can do to create some sort of distance or escape even temprarily, would that help? I hope you remember to look after you though, or there's a danger that it will all go horribly wrong at some indeterminate point!
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family-can't live with them-can't kill them. I kid but I'm hoping for the best for you in this situation.
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sorry sis, that sucks. I used to love having my mother stay because she would clean stuff I never thought of cleaning AND she baked. God, how she baked. now my brother J, I can totally empathize with you. he was like letting in the darkest storm. took all the air out of a room go shopping, bring in friends, drink....a lot. and if all else fails, spand a night or two at a hotel. You cannot conceive the many without the one.
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