Factory Reject Dildos 3 for $1
 
I won this blog in a truth telling contest
Keywords | Title View | Refer to a Friend |
Finishing each other's sandwiches
Posted:May 26, 2018 7:13 am
Last Updated:May 26, 2018 7:16 am
67 Views
A while back I went to pop off a text message to a lady friend of mine and I noticed that before I had even typed anything the predictive text suggestion said "Please Give Head" . Which is strange because I don't send dirty texts . Well one time I did to BigLala but that was a part of gag . Yeah , that's right , I know her IRL , jealous ? BiggLala

Anyway , I went head and sent it because why wouldn't I - and after I explained the context we had a good laugh because upon receiving that message her phone's suggestion was "Getting In The Car" .

If only it was that easy phone , if only .

And now I present to you a very poignant Batman story written completely by predict text ;

Batman is looking for a secret weapon to use on his birthday . (sure we all get like that on our birthday) He gets involved with gangs and discovers that his is exactly what he wants . (I guess beating up gangs is a pretty good way for Batman to find self-acceptance) Batman learns that he has been abducted from his past and he is merely a series of stories related to justice . (oh shit , this is like some 4th wall action right here ! )

Batman isn't paid to destroy crime corners . (true he's doing this pro-bono) He is actually attracted to crimes and also the Penguin . (whoa , plot twist ! )
The Penguin begins to fall in love with guns and gangs all over Gotham . Batman is destroyed . Batman must join the Penguin . He loves him a criminal . (don't we all , amiright ladies ? )

The Penguin finds out that Batman is destroyed and that's where the real victim is .
He makes an advance on Gotham's toughest cop , Harvey Dent (I like the idea of a world where Harvey is a cop instead of the DA). Batman finds out . Batman is destroyed and his face is an explosion . (I think this means he was crying , next time you talk about someone crying say 'their face was an explosion' )

Batman must stop the Penguin in order to keep his confidence he suspects that the Penguin is an addictive face and has no choice but to ask for more Penguin . (I feel like no one EVER asks for more Penguin)

The Penguin makes things worse by killing Batman . (understatement) He has happened to Batman and he is visible criminal . (very true you look at the Penguin and you know what's up) Batman isn't still around . Batman is in the cloud . (please start using this also as a way to describe death - grandma is in the cloud now little Jimmy) The Penguin finds that he is astounded by killing the man who loves him most . (I should think so) He feels responsible for the death of Gotham's prominent Batman . (as he should) He loves the man that Batman isn't . (whoa , that is DEEP )

Batman learns that he is merely being put on parole which grants Batman the death of his own death . (reincarnation ? ) Batman manages to be himself after being struck down by the Penguin who he loves . (We've all been there right ? )

The Penguin and Batman solve the mystery of their separate ways and travel to the island of rescue with an actor best known as Bruce Wayne . (Batman isn't Bruce Wayne in this universe ? Another stunning twist ! )

Batman learns of a dream society in Europe with all the fabled six months of laughing . (huh ? ) He reluctantly decides to obey his daughter Barbara Batman and stop his medical school in Gotham . (Fantastic , I wonder who the mother is - clearly Batman is just his last name)

The Joke also receives and award for outstanding music and combat .

Things kind of fell apart there at the end (act 3 problems that plague us all) but before that we had a pretty solid tale about Batman and his illicit love for the Penguin .



Someone with a more popular blog should do the Predictive Text Game on said blog - people would get a kick out of that I think .

In other news it seems like the whole "squirting" fad is finally starting to die down . For a while there all anyone wanted to talk about was squirting . Squirt , squirt , squirt , it was annoying . I'm sure it will be replaced with something equally as annoying . People are such followers , wake up sheeple !

What really pissed me off about this whole squirting obsession was that I had a pretty close to 100% success rate at squirting and no one seemed to care . There were all these articles and discussion about how to get squirting to happen during sex and I would say "I can do it easy-peasy" and for some reason not one would ever respond . I mean what's the story ? Someone would post a story about how they finally managed to squirt for the first time after hundreds of tries and people would lose their shit . I've been doing it for decades .

I don't understand . Must be some kind of racial thing .
2 Comments
Fifteen miles to the, Love Sac, Love Sac yeah
Posted:May 23, 2018 5:04 pm
Last Updated:May 25, 2018 7:23 pm
319 Views
This will probably be my stupidest blog post ever but I stand by it .

Last night I turned on the TV for a minute while I ate my bowl of rice and I saw a commercial for the Love Sac . Which is turns out is not testicles at all , but an enormous bean bag .



The commercial features a comely lass leaping high into the air (it's quite a jump if legit) and then falling onto the sac in super slow motion , where she snuggles it contentedly .

And they call it the Love Sac . This is a real thing that's actually happening .

They have to be doing this on purpose right ? Their website claims 'Sacs are the closest you’ll get to sitting on an actual cloud.' It also says "Sink into a Sac" and offers Sac financing . They even have couches they call Sactionals .

Is this some kind of marketing genius or did two stoners who inherited their great-uncle's bean bag factory dare each other into this . Dude , dude , I'm TOTALLY gonna do it dude . Dude , do it dude !

I don't want my sack jumped on or sat on , but I wouldn't mind some cuddling .

Models include "The Big One" , "Super Sac" , "MovieSac" and "CitySac" . And the cheapest one is like 600 bucks . I feel like if I applied myself I could get an actual nutsack for about that same price .

They've also got one called the Squattoman which someone seems even more suggestive .

In other news a dude at work today said "I don't think an 18 year old and a 77 year old man have the same idea of fun" . Which I think is probably not true . I'm pretty sure they both want to get wasted and bust their Love Sac . Just one of them actually has a chance to do it .
7 Comments
Would you could you in a boat ?
Posted:May 22, 2018 5:11 pm
Last Updated:May 25, 2018 7:28 pm
444 Views
Every now and then I come across a picture on this here fuck site that I want to post in my blog and talk about . I say to myself "they posted it on here so it's okay that I post it in my blog on the same site" but I know that's shenanigans so I don't do it . But I try to talk myself into it .

That's pretty cut and dry but what's less clear to me is that once in a great while I see a picture I like (you know the way I mean) and I save it to my PC . That's probably not cool either . In fact that's probably worse because then if someone access my machine they could get that picture and post it all over creation . Although I guess I could do that anyway . Huh . I wonder why anyone does post pictures of their naked nude no-clothes genitals on here when anyone could take them and plaster them all over the place .



I watched a bit of some random crummy action movie the other day and I was reminded that every super tough action chick at some point employs the same move - the flying head scissors (aka the flying butt pliers) . And I assume the reason for this is because the super tough action chick is also super sexy sexy sex chick and they need to put in a scene where she wraps her legs around a guy's head because that's sexy sexy time AND violence time which is of course that the men want .



She may look harmless but that belt is a secret weapon with which she can defeat and entire army of trained soldiers - all without mussing her hair !

I use to often complain that having 90 pound supermodels as fighters in movies was stupid but then I saw the only real girlfight I've ever seen and it was pretty prissy princess girl against a really rough looking beast of a woman and pretty princess destroyed her . It was a shocking turn of events . So that shut my mouth about that .

Even the Black Widow has done it - in EVERY Marvel movie she's been in - and she's gotten relatively fair shake when it comes to action girl stuff .



The point is if a dude ever comes at you jump up and throw your pussy in his face . Even if it doesn't work you can sue Marvel Studios and they have deep pockets these days .

There's probably a joke in there about men's ineptitude at cunnilingus but I can't find it .

BOOM , meta-joke bitches !!!!

The other takeaway I had from that movie was just how silly fight scenes were back in the day . You got two muscled-up douchbags throwing the most ridiculous haymakers and roundhouse kicks at each other like two bears fighting over a salmon .

Did I ever tell you about my Abenaki friend Salmon Two Bears ? He was a good dude .

Anyway , while I mostly detest MMA I guess I do have to give them credit for pushing a SMALL amount of realism into movie fights . Which is apparently a thing I care about I'm just now realizing ? Man , what I am 14 ?

Yes , in many ways I am .

But on the plus side I have a wondering singing voice . So it balances out .
5 Comments
The Bitch Protocol
Posted:May 21, 2018 5:36 pm
Last Updated:May 22, 2018 4:46 pm
585 Views

I'm on the verge of really not liking my company's CIO . I was talking to her today about our strategy for the board meeting and she was explaining that her plan was to deflect all the (valid) criticism leveled at our department by saying how awful Finance is at their job . This is obviously immoral but the one thing I can say I learned at my last job at Evil Corp LLC (a division of Satan Industries) is that making a moral argument is laughable . Morality means nothing to corporate people , you may as well invoke Eikþyrnir and Heiðrún for all the good it does . So I was trying to frame my argument in the terms of it just being bad strategy - which it is . If someone asks you about your issues and what you're going to about them whining and pointing at someone else is not going to work . At least it shouldn't . If it does I may have to quit .

Anyway I said this about 77 different ways and she kept saying "I don't understand what argument you're trying to make" so I finally said to her "It just seems like a bitch move to me ."

NOW for a little background please know that this lady drops cluster f-bombs when she's talking about a good cup of coffee . Her whole persona is tough as nails corporate swearing broad .

But she clearly didn't care for that . And I guess I should probably be more careful when talking to a woman . I mean it's not like I was calling her a bitch , but it was a thing you know ?

I guess the point is you shouldn't hire women .

The other day I was talking with my niece and she asked why my sister and I are so paranoid and untrusting and I told her that it's because when we grew up the cold war was still going on so they told us we could all be blown to bits instantly ALL the time . On top of which when we were kids the media was in one of the kidnapping panics they like to stir up every few decades or so . They made it clear everyone was going to get kidnapped eventually so you needed to some survival tips . They'd have the local policeman (a guy with a mustache) come to tell us about "Street Smarts" and he'd say "Now when you get kidnapped . . ." not IF , WHEN .

Nathan Fielder has a funny bit about it in his new special and his still constant fear of "secondary locations" because as everyone of my generation knows - WHEN the kidnapper takes you to the secondary location that's when you're dead meat .

Anyway , one good thing about these modern times is that people seemed to be over that particular hysteria BUT now it seems like they're trying to gin it up again . For about two weeks there have been several articles about how to protect your kids from kidnappers on MSN . It's a real bummer .

I remember one year the Street Smarts dude claimed that 1 MILLION kids were kidnapped AND murdered every year in the US . I didn't know how many kids there were in the US at that time , and I still don't , nevertheless both kid and adult me thought "that seems a bit high mustache man" .

Alright so I've offended woman and anyone with kids - now for the trifecta .

I don't believe in The God (most of the time anyway) but I don't like it when aggressive atheists make fun of people that believe . I don't understand why they seem to need to belittle religious people so much . But that having been said I pretty did that exact thing to CSI-GF back in the day .

We were talking about something horrible that had just happened I don't remember what exactly (which may say something about me eh ? ) but it was a plane crash or a terrorist attack or something like that . And she said "Well everything happens for a reason" which really ticked me off at that moment . So I said to her "Doesn't that seem like a bit of a cop out ?" and it turned into a whole thing . She said that everything happens according to god's plan . So I asked her if I burned her house down if that was god's plan . And she said that it would be . So I asked her "So by NOT burning down your house I'm thwarting god's plan ? Which is impossible right ? So I HAVE to burn your house down now ?"

Which was a jerk move I admit . It wasn't fair and I regret it . But it really does bug me when something awful happens and people invoke god's will .

That is all
6 Comments
Do you have the willpower to take Marg Helgenberger to the bone zone ?
Posted:May 20, 2018 6:14 pm
Last Updated:May 21, 2018 5:01 pm
610 Views
One time I dated this lady - unbelievable but true . She loved CSI and I didn't hate it so I watched a LOT of CSI with her . Because what else does a couple do ? Exactly . It's like Rachel Feinstein said "A good show makes a good relationship" . Anyway shortly before things went south with her I was in Vegas for a conference and I saw Marg Helgenberger sitting at a little table in the lobby . Not sure why . It looked like the table had been put there for her . I can't come up with a decent theory on what was going on .

Now , I don't give a shit about autographs and I don't really understand anyone else does , one time a friend of mine was hanging out in a bar where all the wrestlers went after a show in town and he got all their autographs for me and when he gave it to me I feigned thanks but mostly I was thinking "how long before I can throw this away without him noticing ?"

But I knew my GF would be over the moon if I got her Catherine Willow's autograph . There was this girl , and I say girl because she looked to be about 17 , hovering around her with a blazer and a clipboard - she appeared to be Helgenberger's handler or assistant or a lackey or some kind . So I go up to her and I tell her my GF is a huge CSI fan and I ask if it would be okay to ask MH for her autograph . And the blazer-girl is super nice and sweet , maybe she was a publicist , she goes over and has a little powwow with MH and she says that Marg would love to give me an autograph for my GF .

So I walk up to Helgenbeger's little table and she looks up from her PDA or Blackberry or whatever (this was a while ago) and I tell her my GF is a big fan and I ask for an autograph .

And she says to me she says "Go fuck yourself asshole ."

This forces us to examine exactly what happened here . Did blazer-girl set me up ? Did Marg tell her no and she told me to approach anyway ? Did Helgenberger tell her to send me over just to she could tell me to f off because she's a weirdo celebrity and that's how she gets her kicks ? Were they in on it together ? Like that's a bit they do anytime someone asks for an autograph ?

What I choose to believe though is that blazer-girl actually was not associated with MH in any way and she was just someone to happen to be standing by a celebrity and when I went up to her she thought "Ah-ha , this will be hilarious" .

Question for the ladies . When a dude is bragging about scoring with you to his Laser Tag team would you prefer that he said he took you to the "bone zone" or to "pound town" ?

What if I told you one option comes with a shirt ?



I find it interesting that people imagine they have all this mental fortitude that they clearly don't have . Such as I feel like most people would say they could run a marathon if they "had" to just by sheer force of will . Which is clearly insane . And maybe by most people I mean most guys , not sure . I mostly talk to guys so maybe women a little more realistic about what they could accomplish under some kind of duress .

Many moons ago I read a book of short stories about ghouls . A few of them were pretty good . Some of them were awful . About half of them were about goth chicks banging ghouls . Apparently ghouls have massive cocks - which isn't something your hear a lot about . The orientation of mythical creature genitalia remains largely a mystery .

My question is though , I know goth-girls are all into death and darkness and all that , but do they really want to bang a grave-robbing monster that eats putrid flesh ? Because I don't think they do .

On the other hand the two-headed guy from the freakshow claims that be fucked a bunch of chicks who just wanted to be able to say they humped a two-headed freak . Because people are weird .
5 Comments
You'll never believe what the millennials did this time !!!!!
Posted:May 18, 2018 4:12 pm
Last Updated:May 20, 2018 5:52 pm
908 Views
This blog has mostly been a archive for the various ways that millennials have RUINED our otherwise legendary society and check out what they've killed now . Ice tea . Ice tea is GONE . No more ice tea . Do you like ice tea ? Too bad sucker it's DEAD . You'll never have it again . If you think you have ice tea in the fridge think again , it's gone - no check right now . See ? Lipton , Nestea , Crystal Light and Snapple are all out of business as of today and all their employees killed themselves in shame and horror . Which is something you'd think would be in the news .



But there is good news and that is that millennials are done for . Corporate America officially no longer gives a shit about them and their dumb avocado-toast smeared faces . All they care about now is Generation Z and heretofore everything will be done to cater to them . How's that taste millennials ? You're OUT . This will sting them especially hard because they're all soft and sissified . Everyone says so , or they did anyway , no one says that about them now because no one cares anymore .

Generation Z is what targeting marketing campaigns are about starting today because they have 22 billion in annual purchasing power .

But 40 , isn't that nothing compared to the hundreds of billions if purchasing powers in (insert my generation) ?

Shut up ! Your generation is OLD and WEAK no one cares what you do with your money grandma/pa !

Go generational analytical constructs !!!!!!!!!!!!!!



In my experience 100% of women I've dated or gotten to know well love ice tea . Can't stand the stuff myself . That's probably why I can't land a wife .

This morning as I was walking into work I saw a squirrel laboriously dragging a bag of hot dog buns down the sidewalk . And I was delighted because you know life is a tough prospect - you have to fight for everything . And while you're doing that you still have to mow the lawn and change the oil and install a new toilet main and every other damn thing . But good things can happen . I mean a single hot dog bun is the find of a lifetime for a squirrel and this lucky SOB was walking off with a whole bag - and it was the 12 pack folks , not the six . That squirrel struck the mother fucking motherlode , it's got it made you know ? It's probably up to it's squirrel tail in squirrel pussy and/or squirrel dick right now .

And while I may never find my proverbial bag of hot dog buns , it's good to be reminded that it can happen .

I told this to some of my co-workers and while they enjoyed the tale one of them said "he's probably going to have a squirrel party" and one person laughed - but they laughed in the 'weird" way . So I thought "oh no , clearly 'squirrel party' has some obscene sexual meaning' . And indeed it does and it's NASTY .

Can't anything be sacred anymore ? Must everything be perverted ?

Next blog topic - having sex when you're sick
4 Comments
You'll never believe what the millennials did this time !!!!!
Posted:May 18, 2018 4:10 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2018 4:18 pm
777 Views

This blog has mostly been a archive for the various ways that millennials have RUINED our otherwise legendary society and check out what they've killed now . Ice tea . Ice tea is GONE . No more ice tea . Do you like ice tea ? Too bad sucker it's DEAD . You'll never have it again . If you think you have ice tea in the fridge think again , it's gone - no check right now . See ? Lipton , Nestea , Crystal Light and Snapple are all out of business as of today and all their employees killed themselves in shame and horror . Which is something you'd think would be in the news .

[image2]

But there is good news and that is that millennials are done for . Corporate America officially no longer gives a shit about them and their dumb avocado-toast smeared faces . All they care about now is Generation Z and heretofore everything will be done to cater to them . How's that taste millennials ? You're OUT . This will sting them especially hard because they're all soft and sissified . Everyone says so , or they did anyway , no one says that about them now because no one cares anymore .

Generation Z is what targeting marketing campaigns are about starting today because they have 22 billion in annual purchasing power .

But 40 , isn't that nothing compared to the hundreds of billions if purchasing powers in (insert my generation) ?

Shut up ! Your generation is OLD and WEAK no one cares what you do with your money grandma/pa !

Go generational analytical constructs !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[image3]

In my experience 100% of women I've dated or gotten to know well love ice tea . Can't stand the stuff myself . That's probably why I can't land a wife .

This morning as I was walking into work I saw a squirrel laboriously dragging a bag of hot dog buns down the sidewalk . And I was delighted because you know life is a tough prospect - you have to fight for everything . And while you're doing that you still have to mow the lawn and change the oil and install a new toilet main and every other damn thing . But good things can happen . I mean a single hot dog bun is the find of a lifetime for a squirrel and this lucky SOB was walking off with a whole bag - and it was the 12 pack folks , not the six . That squirrel struck the mother fucking motherlode , it's got it made you know ? It's probably up to it's squirrel tail in squirrel pussy and/or squirrel dick right now .

And while I may never find my proverbial bag of hot dog buns , it's good to be reminded that it can happen .

I told this to some of my co-workers and while they enjoyed the tale one of them said "he's probably going to have a squirrel party" and one person laughed - but they laughed in the 'weird" way . So I thought "oh no , clearly 'squirrel party' has some obscene sexual meaning' . And indeed it does and it's NASTY .

Can't anything be sacred anymore ? Must everything be perverted ?

Next blog topic - having sex when you're sick
0 Comments
A question for the day
Posted:May 13, 2018 5:01 pm
Last Updated:May 25, 2018 7:27 pm
1297 Views

How sexist is it that I assume a mother would be more disappointed in a daughter doing porn than a son ? Like 60% ? I assume your typical mother would be mortified and feel like a failure either way but I believe that somehow it wouldn't be as bad with a porn son . Not by much , but a little .

I say this on pretty much every holiday but it's always a little weird to me when people post about their family get togethers on here - I get it for some people this is just where they blog and it's NOT a sex site for them but just the sheer number of cock pics is overwhelming .
5 Comments
The House of pain is in effect
Posted:May 12, 2018 1:53 pm
Last Updated:May 14, 2018 6:33 pm
1399 Views
Do you ever wonder if the caveman who first tried anal was straight or gay ? I do . Often . And the sad part is we'll never know . Even if you could travel backwards in time , which you can't . Logically it seems like it had to have been a gay caveman but if it was how did it make the leap to male-female cavepeople sex ? Regardless at some point there was a caveman who was like "huh , I'm going to put my dick in there and see what happens" . And consider this , this was going on for THOUSANDS of years before lube was a thing . Yeah . . .

I often wonder why I have a "thing" for anal . It does make a ton of sense when you look at it . Unless you like getting urinary tract infections maybe . And the really weird part is that I've had anal sex literally SOME times and it's kind of "meh" yet 88% of the time when I want the pornography what I want to see is hardcore ass slamming . Why ? What's the appeal ? I mean as Amy Schumer says "That's where the poop comes from" .

The argument was once that it was like a taboo so it was like forbidden fruit but I don't think that can be true anymore . It's like basically mainstream at least conceptually .

According to the internet here's the explanation - It's all in the mind. Anal sex screams "domination" sometimes, be it the man over the girl, or the girl over the man. Guys tend to get a mental pleasure on thinking they're "getting her what she deserves" and stuff like that. Some girls like to have it on their asses because then they feel some "control". You know, "mistress" kind of thing.

Which is exactly the kind of semi-literate response I expect from the internet .

I read a book once written by a ballerina that was ALL about how anal sex is the best ever and it's all about submission and how the pussy can "lie" but the asshole always "tells the truth" . Pretty sure that broad is cuckoo bananas .



Did you know that June Diane Raphael is married to Paul Scheer ? I didn't . Talk about punching above your weight class - that mofo is goofy looking as hell and she is GORGEOUS .

You see that ever now and then , a beee-utiful lady with a real weirdo - not an uggo usually but just an unhandsome strange looking fella . But when have you ever seen a gorgeous hunk manflesh with a plain Jane type gal ? It doesn't seem to happen . But does that mean men are more superficial or just better at going after that they want/more delusional ? I suppose it's probably both . I just know for sure that no matter how monstrously ugly he may be most dudes think they score with ScarJo if they got a shot .

Speaking of , as you all know I do most of my shopping online but yesterday I decided to stop by the old comic/gaming store to see what was up . Ugh , I hate being reminded that the stereotypes about gamers are mostly true . I think of myself as a real dweeb but I forgot how close I am to the mainline compared to most of these monsters .

I walk in there and immediately my thought is "dudes use your inside voices , why are you shouting EVEYRTHING YOU SAY" . I can hear you , I'm literally standing 2 feet away . Oh and your favorite character from whatever horrible sci-fi TV show you're talking about is the socially awkward genius who bangs the hot chick ? I wonder why . And your second favorite character is the hot chick ? And your third favorite character is the hot chick who was on screen for 30 seconds and had no lines ? But you don't like the other hot chick anymore because she's "getting a little chubby" . And now you're just listing Magic cards that you own ?

Great conversation .

Debi Mazar - what do I know her from ? She looks very familiar but I can't place her.

I commented to my co-worker the other day that I was amused an old invoice had 19,999 on it for the year instead of 1999 . And then I mused "I wonder what life will be like then" and they expressed their opinion that it probably wouldn't be that different . I of course jumped down their throat about that and they said defensively "Well things don't really change that much , I mean 18,000 years ago was it really that much different from now ?"

I said that 18,000 years ago was the GD Stone Age and he was confused and said "It was , I thought the bible times were like millions of years ago" .
7 Comments
It would have been soooooooo sweet
Posted:May 11, 2018 5:42 pm
Last Updated:May 13, 2018 4:53 pm
1554 Views
I had this fantastic idea .

I was going to post with the title "If you don't want to fall immediately and immutably into love , look away"

Then I follow with a line "If you don't want to awaken a desire , look away"

And then "If you don't want to be seduced , look away"

And then I would post a picture of my balls .

And then a paragraph imploring men to cool with the dick pics because today's modern woman is all about the balls .

It would have been HILARIOUS .

But what I diovered is my wrinkly hairy ballsack isn't that funny , it's just sad . This is something that happens every now and then , I think of this "hilarious" post I want to do that involves a picture of me and then instead I just end up thinking "man I'm gross , but not gross enough to be funny" . It's a bit of a bummer .



I blogged a blog many moons ago wherein I was recounting how Christina Hendricks said that she had a hard time getting roles in Hollywood because of her large breasts . And I was somewhat skeptical , seemed like a convenient excuse . How could having a sweet rack hurt you ?

But I have to backtrack because I watched an interview with her the other day . It was 45 minutes and all I could think the entire time was "my god those tits are INSANE" . I'm only moderately immature as far as men goes . So I think I have to agree with her now . She said that casting people often told her "You don't look like the girl next door , you look like a porn star" and I could see that now .

I'm not sure what the deal is , why this time it was so entrancing , because I've seen her before obviously - they must tie those puppies down when she's in wardrobe . Or they put special lighting on her or something to diminish her bonkers boobs . Point is it was very distracting .

I probably have mentid this before but if you've ever watched Star Trek TNG you've probably noticed that in pretty much every episode it seems like they're introducing a new character and then you never see them again . And that's because the showrunners were MEGA-cheap and didn't want to the writers the very modest fee you get for having a character you created in a show .

And now my definitive ranking of minor characters from the office from best to worst ;

Hide - His backstory is the BEST , he killed the Yakuza boss ON PURPOSE !!!

Mose - Obviously

Lonnie - Great character , left the show because his role was so small

Nate - Good minion for Dwight

Trevor - Dwight had all the good flunkies

Rolf - Like I just said . . .

Carol - of Michael's most crushing/hilarious moments

Isabel - If Dwight had ended up with her the finale would have been just bad instead of terrible

Jordan - Like every other female character she had a crush on Jim . I don't get it , I mean he's a goofball . I guess there wasn't a lot to choose from in that office though .

Zeke - Another solid Dwight satellite character

Nick - I like a character that every is a jerk to for no reason who isn't Toby , he left to be another show that got cancelled pretty much immediately . Whoops .

Danny - A weird late series guest star role for Timothy Olyphant , the suplot where he kept trying not to hurt Pam's feelings and they kept after him for the "truth" was well d though

Sadiq - I feel like they had plans for this character and then just did nothing , I wonder why

Madge - She's a punching bag but an amusing

Lucas - I think you're going to get in a lot of trouble if you spank some in an office

Ronni - Meh

Cathy - She came on for a few episodes and tried to bang Jim , it was lame

Brian - Negative a million points , the late series bullshit with Pam and Jim having "issues" was of the worst things about the crummy last season

Remember when Kevin was engaged ? And then they broke it off . What was the point of that ?
8 Comments
Infinity War ? More like Infinity BORE !!!
Posted:May 7, 2018 5:56 pm
Last Updated:May 13, 2018 4:54 pm
2076 Views
No wait , Infinity War ? More like Infinity SNORE !!! Yeah , that's better .

Spoilers . Obviously .

I've increased my masturbatory level lately which is somewhat puzzling because usually my periods of increased jerking off are when I'm getting "it" on the reg and when I go long periods without I usually tend to lose my desire for physical pleasure . And as always when this happens I wonder "Am I jerking off too much , should I cut back ?" which is interesting because I never worry about having too much sex . I guess all the cultural shame about masturbation is still rattling around in the old noggin .

Shaming people about banging makes sense because that leads to babies and we have WAY to many people already but masturbation shaming makes no sense really . There's no impact at all to society that I can think of . I mean I guess you can say that jerking off props up porn and porn is bad news but all this anti-masturbation hysteria began long before porn was a thing . Unless you count erotic woodcuts , which you don't .

The point is I've been watching the porn more than usual and I started to wonder when a porn lady has sex IRL do you think its weird to handle a normal sized penis ? OR do you think porn ladies only hook up with dudes with massive cocks ? I started thinking about this as a lady was handling a dick with both hands and there was plenty of room for more hands , when she's working with a normal penis - which let's be honest can mostly be covered with one hand - it has to throw her whole routine off .

I do wonder though how much different it feels inside you . In a blind dick-test could you tell the difference between a 5 inch and a 8 inch dick ? Or is it mostly just a mental thing ?

Sometimes when I see hands on a porn cock it makes me think of that old game you'd play to see who got to bat first ;



Anyway , I was joking about Infinity War , I liked it of course and I know you've all been waiting breathlessly for my thoughts . And by thoughts I mean complaints of course .

One thing I wish they had put in there was the scene from the comic where pretty much everyone is dead and Captain America is still trying to fight Thanos because he's Captain America and that's what he does and Thanos gets annoyed and casually shatters his shield . That's when you knew shit was real . Because honestly characters die and come back every other week in comics , it's kind of like a soap opera in that way - in some trade magazines they'd had a listing of who was currently dead and who was alive - so death isn't really a big deal . But Cap's shield being broken ? That was insane in the membrane .

But in the MCU they took away Cap's shield . Which is kind of okay because he looked mildly goofy in his outfit . I liked the look of this fugitive Cap . Not to mention that tactical outfit Black Widow had on , me-ow . I couldn't even complain about her being a blonde .

One thing that was in the movie that I didn't like , which is really my only complaint and it's pretty minor , is when Thanos is taking Gamora to toss her off the cliff to get the Soul Stone she's slapping ineffectually at his wrist like a bitch . She's one of the murderingest murders in all of murdertown and when she's literally fighting for her life she responds with sissy slaps ? Boo . She should have been punching him in the kidneys or kicking him or something .

I mean at the end was Cap failing at Thanos like a angry toddler ? No , he was gritting his teeth and digging in and being a strong action man . Why does Gamora have to go out like a weakling ?

I mean I guess if you really wanted to be generous you could say being in Thanos presence was making her revert to a childhood state where she wasn't a badass killing machine but I'm not in the mood to be so forgiving . Clearly they just did that because she's a female character and obviously women can't die with dignity .

I have to hand it to Marvel Studios for going with a totally grim ending though . I mean I know that 88% of people assume everything is going to be undone in the next movie but that's still pretty un-Hollywoody to end a movie with a 100% bad guy victory and 87% of the popular characters dead .

Someone asked me the other day if the movie was anything like the comic and the answer is not really . Because in the comic the main protagonists were the Silver Surfer - to which Sony has the movie rights - and Adam Warlock - who they introduced at the end of Guardians 2 (which sucked BTW) but seem to be doing something else with . The Avengers weren't really part of the whole Thanos deal . Thor was there for a minute but got killed right away . The Guardians weren't involved in any way .

This is actually a better story though because what you have to realize is that the comic came out in 1992 and they weren't really into continuity back then . It was more like a sitcom where stuff would happen and then in the next issue everything was ignored . Moving the Thanos stuff to after Civil War and Planet Hulk was interesting for me .

But the main difference is in Thanos' motivation . In the movie he's got a pretty solid reason for what he's doing - they're already selling "Thanos was right" shirts like hotcakes . In the comic his motivation is more . . . . stupid .

You see in the comic he wants to kill everyone to impress Death . Because he wants to bang her . Because Death is a lady .



A lady who won't return Thanos' calls . A lady who's always washing her hair when Thanos wants to take her out . A lady who plays Thanos' voice mails for her friends over brunch and laughs as they sip their mimosas . I mean I guess it's kind of interesting that the most powerful being in the universe is basically just a pathetic loser trying to impress a girl but yeah , the movie is much better when it comes to Thanos' motivation .

Now , I will say this , the entire concept of the Infinity Stones doesn't make a ton of sense . Because really once you have the Reality Stone you're pretty much done . What do you need the others for ?

My last note is that the guy who was sitting next to me laughed HYSTERICALLY every time Peter Dinklage came on the screen . How I grant you his role was mildly ridiculous and he was doing a stupid voice but I got the sense this dude was just endlessly amused by seeing a little person . I could have done without that .

His wife/GF/whatever did declare that Chris Evans is the finest looking man around . He's a good looking fellow but I think I prefer the Winter Soldier myself .

You do have Chris Evens , Chris Pratt and Chris Hemsworth all together - you just need Chris Pine in there and you've got a full set you know ?
8 Comments
Advance Australia Fair
Posted:May 6, 2018 11:26 am
Last Updated:May 7, 2018 5:18 pm
2170 Views
I once wrote that Australia is both the sexingest and the sexiest country on the planet (this one) and I stand by that statement . However there's an Australia dude at my new job (what's your over/under on when I'll stop calling it my new job ? ) and he's a real piece of work . The IT world is full of people with shitty attitudes , I assume because they feel their knowledge is in demand and they should be treated as some kind of elites , but this fellow really takes the cake . Everything is done reluctantly with a sigh and an eyeroll and 45 minutes of bitching , every time he screws something up (which is often) it's someone else's fault , he's the only one who knows anything , everyone else is stupid , etc. at el .

So the other day he comes up to me apropos of nothing and starts listing off all the reasons Australia is great and the US sucks and I says to him I says "I was born here , you moved here , I'm not sure what point you're trying to prove" . He didn't like that .

Not

One

Bit

I'd wager most Australians could kick my ass and this dude is several inches taller than me but I feel like he's one of the few people in my weight class I could take . There's some bigger dudes that you can just tell are soft you know ? It's like my cousin Joe , he's physically superior to me in every way but whenever we spar I wail on him because he's a gentle soul - he doesn't have "it" you know . Whereas I am filled with hatred and rage .

Point is Australia , thumbs up , this dude , thumbs down . Maybe that's why he's here , maybe they send all their jerks to America .

While we're on the subject we're in the midst of an Australian wrestler invasion . And it's wonderful .

Nia Jax , Emma , Peyton Royce , Billie Kay , Rhea Ripley , Buddy Murphy , TM-61 , and of course the best of them all , Toni Storm ;



There used to be a time when foreigners were usually great wrestlers but as time has gone on that's not the case so much anymore - I assume as travel becomes cheaper and more commonplace more people that suck get out into the world . But all these Australians are great wrestlers . I assume because Australia is still far enough away from everything that you have to really bring something to the table to warrant a 700 hour flight .

Speaking of wrestling ;



And yes , that is exactly what it looks like - a bunch of undead brides holding back a cheerleader while a demonically possessed assassin is placed in a coffin .

Because reasons .
3 Comments
Pussy & pussy & pussy (and hypothetical pussy)
Posted:May 5, 2018 8:03 am
Last Updated:May 6, 2018 11:04 am
2382 Views
Well I just learned something . You know how if you're giving a woman a massage they want to wail away on their back like you're John Henry driving steel but any pressure on their legs and they kick you right in the dick ? Turns out the reason for this is that they're legs are basically also clits . Which kind of makes sense . Now I understand why people back in the day were so scandalized by women showing their legs .



Speaking of , I read a book when I was a lad about Nazis (I wonder if that's a banned word) who came to the future with their time machine and found out they lost the war so their initial plan was to take that knowledge to the past and try and change history BUT they found the way women strutted around with all their bits hanging out in the future too good to pass up so they just stayed to bang sluts . There's a message in there somewhere . Make love not war I guess .

The other day I was hanging out with Sweaty Betty and she says to me she says "We've been hanging out for like 3 years now and you haven't tried to fuck me in the ass , are you a pussy or what ?" You really can't win you know ? If you try to be nice you're a pussy and if you don't you're an abusive narcissist .

The other day at work a guy suggested that I "might be a pussy" and I says to him I says "Well , you are what you eat" and everyone freaked out like that was the sickest burn ever . Which I really don't understand . How is saying that I go down on women a burn on him ? I mean I guess you could say that I was implying that I have sex with a lot of women but still that's not really a burn on him .

Plus here's the thing , despite all the talk out there about female empowerment and what have you we definitely haven't reached the point where men brag about their oral skills - except in unsolicited AdultFriendFinder messages of course .

Never once has a guy looked around and then leaned in and said to me "You know , I'm great at eating pussy" . Quite the opposite - the dudes I know who are super-dudey dudes are often proud of fact that they never go down . I suppose because oral sex has undertones of subservience , I mean they call it "servicing" right ? And as a mannish manly manly man they need to be dominant and strong and in control - you get on your knees and suck their dick , they don't please you . That's feminine and therefore sick and wrong (for a man) .

I really miss going down on ladies sometimes . It's been a while since I hah a regular partner and my non-regular sometimes sex buddy doesn't like it when I go down on her . The funny thing is I generally don't believe women when they say they like sucking dick but yet I like going south of the border so once again I am a hypocrite .

There's just something very satisfying about being between a woman's legs and hearing her little gasps and moans , feeling her body tense and then turn to jelly . It's totally cool . Plus sometimes you can sneak it a little asshole lick here and there , but you really should do that because of germs . Ironically it's safer to go ass to mouth than ass to pussy . Ironic and gross .

The sad part is I'm not sure I'm good at it anymore . When I was a strapping young man my lady friends RAVED about my oral skills but in retrospect I think that was 30% them trying to stroke my ego and 60% the fact that they hadn't been with many/any dudes that would do it willingly/eagerly . I used to think "hey , I may not be attractive , I may not have a pleasing personality , I may have an inferior wang , but at least I have the skills down south and that's not nothing" . So what do I have now ?

Just my six million twitter followers . I need to figure out how to monetize that . Surely once you have a certain amount of followers companies will pay you to tweet about their products .

I often ask hypothetical questions . Some people really don't like it . But the reason I do it is that I feel like you can get more insight into someone's personality when they don't get bogged down with details . If you ask someone something based highly in reality they often miss the point , they'll same something like "No , I would never do that because the traffic at that time of night would be terrible" when you were trying to gauge how they felt about euthanasia . I find people are often too literal to extract anything interesting about their personality if you don't make things fantastical .

Plus even if they give you a non-answer that tells you something about them in and of itself .

So , here's the scenario - it's 1798 and a French nobleman's son has run away from home and gone to live in an American colony in the new world . Said nobleman has hired you to go get him and bring him back - which is within legal authority . He obviously doesn't want to come back and the colonists are willing to defend him if it comes to force . What's your play ?
3 Comments

To link to this blog (40Deuce) use [blog 40Deuce] in your messages.

 40Deuce 40M
40 M
May 2018
Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat
    1
1
2
 
3
 
4
 
5
1
6
1
7
1
8
 
9
 
10
 
11
1
12
1
13
1
14
 
15
 
16
 
17
 
18
2
19
 
20
1
21
1
22
1
23
1
24
 
25
 
26
1
27
 
28
 
29
 
30
 
31
 
   

Recent Visitors

Visitor Age Sex Date
Mattisonax 41F5/26
smartasswoman 60F5/26
skipper610a  57M5/26
Humgryman419 61M5/26
syndeeangel 58T5/26
luvmassage  49M5/26
pricksville  61M5/26
wickedeasy 68F5/25
tonne1956  61M5/25
12FK2 44F5/24